Administration Reverses Self on Moon Decision – Sort Of

NASA's Altair lander - now with 100 percent fewer astronauts.

Don Draper
The Unassociated Press

WASHINGTON, April 1, 2010 — Bowing to heavy Congressional pressure, the Obama Administration announced that we was restoring the space agency’s plans to return to the moon by 2020 – albeit with a slight twist.

Under the plan, the Constellation program will be saved and NASA plans to land the Altair spacecraft on the moon within 10 years. However,  the astronauts will be replaced by crash test dummies the space agency has been using to test the new Orion capsule.

“It was unavoidable,” an administration spokesman said. “Costs are out of control, the spacecraft is overweight, and the rocket can barely lift nuthin’. Somethin’ had to go, and we figured it might as well be the astronauts. They take up a lot of space, they’ve got opinions on absolutely everythin’, and we really didn’t have a way to get them back home anyway.”

He praised the dummynauts.

“They’re good, God fearing Christian folk. Easy to work with,” he added. “And they’re about the only things that could survive an Altair landing. We’re havin’ real problems with that dee-cent engine.”

In the end, weight problems did in the human part of the program.

“We cut everythin’ we could think of,” the official explained. “Avionics, guidance, both espresso machines. But, once we realized we had to remove life support to get back to the moon, well, needless to say, it was pretty much over for them astronaut boys.”

Administration officials said that plan will maintain full employment on the Constellation program while spurring growth in other industries. “We think the crash test dummy industry will take off like a rocket,”  the White House official said.

One loser could be Mission Control in Houston, which might be outsourced to an as-of-yet-undetermined country. “We don’t really see a problem,” the White House official said. “It’s a proven system. I mean, who’s ever had difficulty getting tech support or customer service?”

Reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed, with some Congressmen and Senators praising the plan for maintaining jobs and others fearing that America will become an international laughingstock.

“If we’re just going to launch dummies to the moon, why not just send Joe Biden?” Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Calif.) growled. “Who would know the difference?”

Biden answer is unprintable.

The Space Frontier Foundation was also opposed to the Obama plan. “The private sector should take the lead in landing a crash test dummy on the moon and returning it safely to the Earth,” a spokesman said. “It can do it a lot cheaper and more efficiently.”

That’s exactly what one commercial space company has in mind. “If you give me $300 million, I’ll be able to get six dummies there in three years,” the company’s CEO said. “No, eight in two years for $200 million. Wait, 10 dummies, six months, $999,099. That’s my final offer.”

White House officials dismissed the idea and expressed confidence that NASA is now on the right path.

“This is the only way we’re going to get back to the moon by 2020,” the White House official said. “Otherwise, someone else will put crash test dummies on the surface. That would be humiliating.”